Print Your Own Money

If one can design and print stamps that are accepted by the USPS, why not legal tender?

Modular Electronics

Modular electronics allow one to just put electronic components near each other and let them cooperate without wires. Just put the monitor near the CPU, or the DVD player near the TV, or the turntable near the amplifier and components themselves work out how to communicate with each other.

Yard Moss

Moss instead of grass. Shave instead of mow.

Light Sponge

The light sponge accumulates light that would otherwise have gone unobserved or ignored and emits it later.

The International Channel

The International Channel is a TV channel that features a different country every week. All that week, it broadcasts a channel from another country. One week it's Moldova, the next Mauritania.

Domestic Predator for Cupboard and Closet Moths

A creature bio-engineered to be a predator of the annoying household moths. Instead of grumbling about holes in sweaters and finding worms in the cereal, release some of the predators inside the house and let them stand guard against the moths.

Clawfoot Furniture Socks

Clawfoot furniture socks are metal clawfeet that can be mounted over plain table and chair legs, so that they will have feet.

Magnetic Bricks

Magnetic bricks make building very easy but attaching themselves to structures and one another. The constructions could be destroyed easily by reversing the bricks' polarity.

Animalian Vacuum Cleaners

Animalian vacuum cleaners look like real or fantastic animals so that vacuuming will be more amusing and so that cats and young children can be further frightened.

Importance Glasses

Importance glasses allow one to find lost, important objects. Things like keys, remote contols, and other items that are touched often will register as "important" to the glasses. Wear the glasses to spot the missing objects easily, or just wear them to see what's really important. Sadly, it would not work for important but rarely touched objects like car titles or deeds.

Colored Light for the Refrigerator

Fridge lights--why should it be white? Wouldn't the late-night snack be more dramatic if the dark kitchen were bathed in a red glow.

Readable Clothing

Readable clothing was originally invented for travelers who want to pack light, but now it's marketed for air travelers who are prohibited from bringing books or paper with them. Partners could wear each other's novels and gaze upon each other while reading. Blank clothing could come as blank, graph paper style, or legal pad-style.

Shampoo/ Conditioner in Pill Form

Shampoo and conditioner in pill form allow you to travel light and gets you past the security guards who think the products might actually be nitroglycerine, or whatever fluid it is that seems to frighten them so much.

Power Windows in Houses

Power windows in houses--why not? It would be nice to have a horn for the house too. "Beep Beep! Get out of my yard!"

Screen Windows for Cars

Screen windows for cars. Keep those kids and limbs and pets inside, keep the bugs out, all the while feeling the breeze.

Big Secret

I'm not going to divulge my best invention just so you all can steal it.

Exercise Machine Money

All power produced by toiling on exercise machines is logged and stored. Exercisers could apply the money to their gym fees. Or gyms could become work collectives where people come together to generate power for a purpose. Or the exercisers could be chained to their machines to produce power for the evil gym operator.

Posterity Generator

A device that gradually accumulates posterity and significance for an individual and then releases it after the person's death.

Half-hour Watch

What time is it? Around 9:30. A half-hour watch is perfect for those people who just need to know roughly what time it is. Instead of dealing in seconds and minutes, this watch rounds up to the half-hour. Great for: weekends, nappers, unemployed, and creative types. Also, a great entry-level watch for those who haven't worn one before.

Invisible Therapist

I had two invisible friends when I was little. I called them Homensay and Hunkieberry. I can't picture them and don't know now if I could picture them then. But they were comforting to me then, and it's comforting now to know that they existed at some point (and may return to me in my senility).

Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have an "invisible therapist." I've never been to a real one, though I've thought about it at some point. I even called one, but he had a strange voice and I couldn't imagine telling that voice anything private or really taking to heart anything it said.

The "invisible therapist" wouldn't really be invisible. It would really be a virtual therapist. As a subscriber, you would be able to create your own settings, so that if you wanted a heavy-set, red-headed woman in her 60s, with a Charleston accent who reminded you a little bit of your Aunt Carol mixed in with your high school French teacher and who had a cackly laugh, you could create those features of her. The actual therapy/advice/behavior would be based on someone in your local area, or it would draw off of a customized educational and intellectual background you could have programmed in.

Night Vision Windows

When the sun goes down, these windows turn on their Night Vision. You will be able to see trees, animals, and lurkers all bathed in the blue light of Night Vision. Meanwhile, from the outside, the pane goes black, so that nobody can see inside. Good for: babysitting, counting money, cleaning guns, and walking around in underpants, of course.

Catwalk

This Plexiglas shelf fits over your keyboard with just enough room to slip your hands under it to type. Kitty can walk right over your keyboard without asdddddddddklj jklllllllllllllllllllllllllllfdd

Throw Therapy

It's the therapy where you show up and throw breakable shit to make you feel better. Lots of throwing and breaking.

It can be used in coordination with other therapies or entirely on its own.

In the advanced version, your therapist is saying things to calm you down that do not quite work, and you are at liberty to throw at him precious annoying breakable objects because he is wearing his protective gear.

The Commute-i-cator

The latest advancement in car technology won't make you safer or more comfortable, but it may make you less frustrated.

Cars will be equipped with signage that can be selected for a given circumstance with the press of a button. When a particular button is pushed, a sign will appear as a hologram outside your car, in a place where the driver you want to communicate with is likely to see it. Among signs to that come with the Commute-i-cator are:

Thanks for letting me get over!
Please use your turn signal next time.
Please don't drive so slowly.
Please get off my ass.
The left lane is for passing, so since you're not passing it would be good of you to get over into the right lane now.
You're driving kinda stupidly; maybe you should hang up your cell phone.

Drivers will also be able to customize signs. Consequent law suits will likely lead directly to the demise of the company responsible for this product.

A Nice Place To Go

Someone should make a beautiful and relaxing place that doesn't have any downside that is a place where you can go and everyone is a nice person and the bugs are nice people too or maybe they aren't really there and you can relax and eat ice cream and maybe have exciting sexual encounters too and bring the children and the grandparents and fall in love for real and for a long time and age some but only when you want to and it is reversible with various speed settings but sometimes maybe most of the time just drink coffee looking at other people or listening to birds or ride your bike a little and you don't have to die and you don't want to.

Headline Overuse Prevention Software

In an effort to crack down on tired headlines such as "Food for Thought" and "East Meets West," someone should develop a Google-esque program that could quickly scan Lexis/Nexis and other newspaper archives and immediately spit out real-time numbers on the number of times a headline option has been used during the past week, month, year and so on. With the right amount of pressure, newspapers could then adopt policies regulating overused headlines so that lazy copy editors would be locked out of old chestnuts like "Not Your Daddy's [your product of choice here]."

The Indie Network

In the way that True Value, the hardware supply company, enabled independent stores to buy a wide array of products through the "True Value" network and remain independent, there ought to be individual networks of product-supply companies that cater to small companies around the world. Clothing supply, food, music, etc. Each group would act in some ways as a distributor and in some ways as a trade association for the little guy, using the collective buying power to get better prices, assisting with promotion, and allowing each store complete freedom over its own product line.

Modular Utility Wall Channels

Someone should develop a system of putting services (water, sewage, electricity, info wires, etc) into the baseboards of walls in a way that makes these systems easy to access for upgrades and repairs while simultaneously making them difficult to damage and tamper with.